Dating and relationships
Dating advice drawn from data, economics and a few honest stories. Seth Stephens-Davidowitz uses search data to show what people actually want, and Mo Gawdat treats dating as a market with too much supply. Another piece looks at why the last photo on a Tinder profile tends to be the wrong one. 8 picks from the Bez Tytułu newsletter, in reading order.
The picks
Data Scientist on Real Dating Preferences
Watch · youtube.com · 14 min · Issue #59
A 2022 Modern Wisdom podcast episode with host Chris Williamson and data scientist Seth Stephens-Davidowitz, who uses big data to analyze dating preferences. The description poses four questions, including whether women really want taller men, whether rich men make women happier, and whether younger women are more attractive.
Oversupply lowers the value of connections
Short · tiktok.com · Issue #48
Dating is an economics problem: when supply is huge, nobody values a relationship, and being pursued raises your value.
Mo Gawdat compares dating to a market where oversupply lowers how much people value each connection. He describes people spending months on dates with someone who does not share a basic goal, such as wanting children. He suggests spending time where people are actively interested in you, so they pursue you and your value rises.
Key points- The speaker says more supply lowers value, so people stop valuing each relationship
- Seven months of dating can pass before you learn someone does not want children
- Go where people want you, like a Shelby Cobra club, and your price goes up
The Last Photo Is Always Wrong
Watch · youtube.com · 19 min · Issue #235
Christophe Haubursin, a former Vox journalist, looks at a pattern on Tinder where the last photo in many profiles shows a face that does not match the rest. He presents the video as a reverse-engineering of a Tinder scam, which he links to stolen identities and catfishing.
Be happy enough before entering relationships
Short · tiktok.com · Issue #213
Enter a relationship happy enough that losing someone or saying no does not feel like a crisis.
The speaker argues that people do not need to arrive at a relationship fully healed or blissfully happy, only happy enough. Being happy enough means you can lose someone without losing your happiness, and can say no to someone who treats you poorly. The speaker warns that seeking a partner to rescue you from a dark place is dangerous, because you may accept whatever you are given.
Key points- You do not need to be blissfully happy or to have everything figured out
- Happy enough means you can say no to someone who treats you poorly
- You can want someone and be excited without it being life and death
The honeymoon halo fades, real relationship begins
Short · tiktok.com · Issue #180
When the honeymoon halo fades, the relationship really begins, because you can finally see the other person clearly.
The speaker argues that qualities which first attract us often become the ones we dislike later in a relationship. When the initial idealization breaks down, the relationship can actually begin, because the other person can finally be seen clearly. Some attraction is needed to take the risk of pursuing someone, but too much distorts perception. He describes relationships as a roll of the dice.
Key points- Attraction distorts perception, so early on you see what you want to see
- Some attraction is needed to take the risk, but too much is distortive
- The speaker says relationships are a roll of the dice, more than ever
A comedic bad first date sketch
Short · tiktok.com · Issue #45
A comedic sketch of a bad first date uses lines such as admitting the profile photo was heavily edited, saying they would rather sleep than go out, and drinking to get through it. It also mentions an ex, and ends with the speaker planning to fake a phone call to ghost the date and finish their drink.
Choose a life partner, not just love
Short · tiktok.com · Issue #42
The people you love are not always the people you build a life with, so look for a life partner, not just a love story.
The speaker says you can love many people, but the person you build a life with is often different. The speaker asks whether you are looking for a love story or a life story, and says a life partner is someone you go through pain, suffering, and challenges with.
Key points- Ask whether you are looking for a love story or a life story
- A life partner is someone you go through pains, sufferings and challenges with
Esther Perel's conclusions on infidelity
Short · en.wikipedia.org · Issue #47
Esther Perel, whose conclusions on why people cheat are worth hearing.